The Sporting Blues

Esham Aluzé

I spend the majority of my days purposely ignoring the world of NASCAR; but then I pass a guy wearing a bedazzled, Tide promoting, Jeff Gordon jacket and it hits me like…like a race care slamming into a concrete wall.  What hits me you ask; my disgust with that non-sport.  

In this era of stringent fiscal responsibility, NASCAR seems like the most wasteful activity in existence.  A barrel of gas costs upwards of $72 and the strain at the pump is felt in every wallet across the country.  We are trying to diminish our dependence on foreign oil while trying to maintain a surplus.  So why does NASCAR exist?  It is nothing but a monumental waste of gas.  This has nothing to do with my disdain for the sport; this has to do with my heightened sense of fiscal responsibility, my attempt to salvage ourselves from this energy crisis.  NASCAR is frivolously wasting oil, the one thing we cannot afford to waste.  This is like professional hunters competing for Bald Eagle kills.  This is like loggers destroying rain forests so some ungrateful trust-fund baby can erect a privacy fence. Oil is now endangered, and NASCAR is nothing but a race. Not even to the finish, either, but a race to see who can burn the most gas.

Excuse me while I get down from this soapbox.     

Allow myself to introduce myself, I am Esham and this is The Method’s sports column.
I have no deeply held sports team allegiances.  When I was young we moved around a lot, so I never had the opportunity to create a lasting bond with a sports franchise. New Englanders love the Red Sox, Patriots, Bruins, and Celtics because they’ve been inundated with those teams throughout their formative years. That was not the case for me. So instead of following specific teams I fell in love with players and followed their respective teams.

A majority of “real men” seem to scoff at my fan-freelancing. You know the type – the tough, wing-eating, beer-drinking, Ed Hardy t-shirt-wearing, Fred Durst-loving men. Eh, so what.  I do me and you do you. 
Right now, I like the Patriots. I love Brady, Belichick, even Robert Kraft. In basketball I root for point guards, so it’s Nash, Rubio, or Rose.  I like Ginobli, but hate the Spurs.  In hockey, well, I don’t actually watch enough hockey to know what’s going on, but just for kicks I root for the Red Wings.  Why the Red Wings? Because Red Bull is the official The Method drink, and it gives you wings, and those wings are probably red, ergo Detroit Red Wings. 

To close my opening salvo I would like to relay some of my deeply held beliefs:  I want Michael Vick to be good again.  I think killing a human being precludes you from playing professional sports, i.e. Leonard Little and newly minted murderer Donte Stallworth.  I think Pacman Jones should be sent to Guantanamo Bay.  I think the WNBA is the longest-running practical joke in the history of pranks.  I love boxing, but it’s dying and MMA is digging its grave.  Speaking of MMA, don’t think you’re an ultimate fighter just because you decided to pony up fifty bucks for a TapOut shirt; because you’re not. I think I can fix the MLS, but we’ll talk about this later.  I love the NFL, but hate fantasy football.  College athletes should be paid, and if you disagree you’re prejudiced, but we’ll talk about this later.  I think Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin are the same person, although this may not be sports-related –I think.  Finally, I am generally the smartest person in most empty rooms.

Softball Tonight

Luke Krombach

We are well on our way into the second half of the softball season, and on cue the drama ratchets up with the impending district tournament. With two completed games since our last Softball Tonight article we have a lot of highlights…and lowlights to cover. 

Game 1 had The DeVos softball team striving to improve their record to one game above .500 but fell short in the waning moments. Tempers flared as the team faced an insurmountable deficit at the hands of errors and poor play. Although no players completely lost their wits there was a brief scuffle in the dugout between level headed Canadian, Keilan McInnis, and the teams pretty boy Chad Dixon. The two quickly kissed and made up – but the damage was already done.  The team fell to a record of 5-4.

Game 2 ended with a much more favorable result- A Win.  Devos topped BRI-CAR by way of Chad Dixon’s impressive inside the park grand slam; after an embarrassing swinging strikeout.  Chad Dixon went from feeling the lowest of the low to being on top of the world.  He struck out swinging, and replaced Muaz as the team’s walking punch line, and sent the entire team into a laughing fit.  But Chad Dixon gained revenge quickly.  He sent the ball towering out to left center field and cleared the bases; creating the rare and impressive grand slam.  The team is now sitting at an impressive 5-5.  To keep you satiated until the next game here are some fast facts from the fortnight that was. 

Fast Facts

• Jeff Nowaczyk has 5 inside the park homeruns for the season and the 1^st grand slam
• Chad Dixon was the 2^nd player to hit a grand slam.
• Ryan Puchel’s 1^st hit past the pitcher’s mound was in the 10^th game of the season. His batting and on-base percentages have been stellar – even though he has no discernable muscle definition. 
• Antoine Carr received his 1^st start coming off the DL – just don’t tell Northwood’s Coach Sullivan.
• Pat Swanton has been one of team’s most consistent players, as trade rumors grew to distraction level.  His yearning to play for his hometown softball team, The Beaverton Skoals, has become an issue for team leader Jeff Nowaczyck.
• Super-sub, and British transplant, Steve Everett has been fined by the league for his uniform violation.  His preponderance for insanely tight shorts has cost him a week’s pay. 
• Wily veteran pitcher Jordan Summers impressed future MLB scout Jeff Nowaczyk with a Randy Johnson-esque 7 strikeouts. 
• The team also lost a key role player in Justin Pasdach. How he injured himself in a softball game is unknown; but the trainer thinks it’s due to off the field antics.
• Mike Budziakowski the highly hyped Canadian sensation has recently experienced a quiet period with his bat. He has handled all the pressure of his early season success as well as Michael Jackson handled sleeping pills.

Softball Tonight

Luke Krombach

The Richard DeVos Graduate School of Management is sponsoring a team in the Midland Softball Associations men’s slow pitch Central Division. The early predictions for the team were optimistic. Team manager Jeff Nowaczyk stated that, “because of the number of players that had played collegiate sports, I thought we could make an easy transition to softball and therefore have a fighting chance. However, the lack of general softball knowledge proved me wrong.” Facing stiff competition from some of Midland’s finest, the team fell short of Nowaczyk’s original predictions. 

The team posted a 0 – 4 record with one of the losses coming by way of the “slaughter” rule. The bats of the mighty DeVos hitters seemed to be silent until the 5^th game when a whopping steroids era-esque16 runs were scored.

Help came from an unlikely source in the form of a Canadian hockey player with little conceivable athletic talent. Mike Budziakowski has gone the Rudy route from gaunt punch line to indefatigable team leader.  He has posted the highest batting average on the team and has received the game MVP twice. Fascinating diving catches and overall good play have encouraged the other players to follow suit. Even with the atrocious start to the season, the guts and will of the team has shown through and spurred them to scrape and claw their way to a record three straight wins.

On June 18th, the team showed its newfound confidence by winning both games of a double header. The only negative points of the game were Muaz’s embarrassing strikeout and allegations of Mike Budziakowski’s use of performance enhancers.  (Alas, not everyone can glean as much energy from two whole pizzas like Mike can.) Additionally, Jordan Summers nearly pitched two shut-out games, falling short in the second with a few base hits that scored one run in the top of the fourth inning. Besides the minor awkward strikeout, the general play of the team was positive and praiseworthy. Although this is only my first article, I feel our paths are now intertwined and forever connected. I look forward to interacting and entertaining you in the future and in the many more issues of Softball Tonight.