Gone Fishin’

Esham Aluzé

It’s a wonderful day outside, so I thought, “Hey, why don’t I lug my laptop into the backyard and tan while I type.” As it turns out this idea is as bad as naming Chris Brown the next Bachelor on ABC. 

A June bug jus* landed on my keyboard, on a specific le**er and I am *oo afraid of i* to do any*hing. I *hink June bugs have a clock *ha* rings a* midnigh* during *he firs* of June, because *hey are *he mos* punc*ual bug in the world. May 31s*, no June Bugs. June 1s*, a million of *hem. 

Okay, now that it’s gone, I can finally use my “T” key again instead of that ridiculous asterisk.  Thank God summer’s almost over.
 
I think that fishing skills and Internet skills are mutually exclusive. See, I went fishing for the first time in my life the other day and caught a grand total of zero fishies.

So as soon as I got home I Googled “how do I catch fishies?” after Google rudely corrected my sentence- Did you mean: How do I catch fish? – I made some fishing inroads.  I found some articles that used typical fishing lexicon, which was Greek to me. So I tried to YouTube some fish videos and found the sorriest lot of self-help videos in existence. Half of them were ads enticing me to buy the actual videos and the others were filmed in 1985 and had the graininess of a Paris Hilton video. 

I have come to the conclusion that good fishermen are not very computer savvy. There, I said it.  So I asked a close Red friend to train me (because all red-heads can fish…all of them), and he obliged.  We worked on my wrist dexterity to increase casting distance and bicep exercises so I can reel in all the dolphins and manatees I plan on catching.  I was drinking the official The Method drink, Red Bull, and as my Red trainer offered me some smokeless tobacco I made another landmark discovery.   

Specifically, dipping and drinking Red Bull at the same time is not amazing. In fact, it is the opposite of amazing.  You’re up and down but never in the middle.  It’s like riding a roller coaster underground.  I had no idea what anguish I had unleashed upon my body by this newly formed axis of evil, Kodiak and Red Bull.  Heed my warning, friends, and avoid this deadly combination.  I feel like Dr. Wilbrand (Google him) warning the world about TNT. (Not the television channel, although that too should probably come with some kind of warning. Caution: Law and Order is on all the time.)

In due time I will be starring on the Bass Fisherman’s Tour, catching and eating the most succulent trout (that’s a fish, right?) anyone has ever laid eyes on.  But until then; don’t mix Red Bull and Kodiak; and watch out for June bugs.